Addictions with Contradictions

                   I have realized how much sex used to be my first drug. It is an addiction used as a temporary remedy. Alcohol is my second drug followed by weed. When I'm faced with a tough situation in regards to love, I always want to go out, look for someone to fuck to validate my detachment from love inflicted pain. Every time my mind wandered to a negative universe, in which it needs accelerated time to forget, I smoke. When I want to do something stupid, I resort to alcohol.

                   I fell into this insecurity that I haven't felt in such a long time. It was a strong felt vibe from a stranger's house that said "you don't belong here, nor with him, nor in this situation". This made me really sad b/c usually my intuition speaks louder than my mind. And all I want to do is go and fuck someone so my heart won't break and to convince myself that this is just another temporary remedy. I don't need any more weights to keep me from floating above water. Its already difficult when the heaviest part of your soul is your stone, cold heart.

                       This man's capability to almost reach the innards of my heart is actually very much a miracle. Such a sweet person, but I still can't let my guard down.

Rocks

Some ppl find the love of their lives early in the relationship and grow old together. I, on the other hand, have tripped on a rock and got so much dust in my eyes that its been taking a while to clean out.

Dawning

                                  When you're on the train, especially a stagnant one, no signal and on the last drop of battery on your iPod, you are forced to have time with yourself.  That thinking time that you avoid every day so you won't go insane. However, being seated around mostly men at 4:30 a.m. in the morning, you can't do much but sit around and try not to make any eye contact with any of them for the fear that just a glance is a silent invitation. They are curious about why there is a woman at this hour of the night "Is she a stripper? Has she come from a club? Why is she carrying around a big bag?"  Men's disgusting minds just run deep as they either look at me with their peripherals or they have the balls to just stare straight at me. I don't like being looked at. Especially if you're ugly.