Shame

                 Cynicism has been the end result of my year.  I remember being this way as a child.  then I remember getting better, and now i'm back at it again.  It's funny that I actually caught myself doing it because there are many people who make it a habit and later on doesn't realize how cynical they have become.  One of the main reasons for cynicism is expectations in life not being met.  It becomes layers and layers of disappointment that it seems like you can't even dig yourself out anymore.  Basically giving up.  I know i'm not the only one.

                   This year had so many wars that I had to fight.  And eventually having to lose to one of them.  IT is one of my hardest lessons in my life.  Learning to let go of something you have loved for so long.  of course, there is a win in this.  I get to move on.  I have been capable of eliminating communication little by little.,  One thing from this post-war, that I have yet to finish the battle, is trying to get the thought of him out of my head.  He still resides there within my memories.  And the majority of the invaders are the ones that contain the wonderful memories.  All those wonderful memories have always outweighed the bad ones.  Of course there are bad ones,  they were the minority of this war, but they were very painful none the less.  However, one of my strongest traits is my ability to forgive.  Forgive for they know not what they do.  And if they do know, I just hope that one day they will learn.  IF they don't learn, well, it's a shame.


  

Trapped

I woke up and went to the bathroom this morning and the thought that instantly came to mind was finding out my purpose in life. I believe that we are all here in this lifetime to learn a lesson of some sort, full fill a goal that, maybe, in a past life, hasn't been able to achieve. Many thoughts come to my mind and I see it everyday with other people; travelling.

I feel so incredibly trapped within this melting pot which we call New York. You may get culture, but in the end, what I really want is the authentic impact of the different cultures that this world holds. "Impossible" is the word I think about when I think of backpacking in Europe or in South America, but it's one of my biggest dreams to do. Something inside of me says that I should be out there, discovering. The opportunities are out there, I just have to find that fucker. .

This may be the reason why I get excited at an airport. It's the portal and the metro of the world.

Balloons

As I carried my friend's one year old boy on my shoulders, I reminisced about the time when the floats were so amazing that I didn't think there would be anything more entertaining. As children, the smallest even most insignificant activities kept us occupied, happy and entertained. Now a days we resort to drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography and the list goes on. Not that I'm complaining about any of those, but it sucks to think about how much energy it now takes to keep our attention into focus.

I partially find my entertainment through astrology and today it pinpointed something that has also been bothering me for a while. Self-Worth. How is it measured? How is it defined? I thought I knew, but I'm honestly not sure I have always thought I was worth a lot. People say to me, looks aren't everything. And its true, but I never thought I was even significantly pretty regardless of how many compliments I get per day by people who don't really matter to me. I grew up in an environment full of criticism and as a kid I didn't take that lightly. Even through jokes, which is a family gathering tradition, I just never got why people had to be so mean. Of course by this time around I take criticism constructively and take jokes about my imperfections pretty well. Of course, like everyone, we become our own worst critic no matter how many other critics you got pointing the finger at you.

So yeah, I don't think I'm pretty. And, not to be misunderstood, I don't only mean physical looks. I've done my share of vices but I'm trying really hard to break old habits that feel good but aren't necessarily good for me. I can pinpoint so many reasons why I am the way I am, but I really hate pointing the finger, myself and blame others for my defects.

I'm still young and have a lot ahead of me like I'm often told. And I believe that. If I already feel like I've lived a lifetime, that means I still have time to be happy.

Where

Shredded time and unexpected disrespect

Slippery demise and I already forget

With every second as it takes its first steps

I wake up in this foggy regret

Never can one sole moment I experience 

The sound at its best