What does falling in love feel like? Even though I've only been single for four months, the nostalgia is starting to rip through the cement that has engulfed my heart from my last heartbreak.
When my ex decided that he wanted a more independent life and gave up on the love I confidently had given him, it felt like I was anviled with the illusion that what I had was genuine love that was strong enough to pull through any obstacles. Unfortunately, I was slapped in the face for the second year in a row. The first stages of grief were interesting. Of course I was crying when I was alone and had shoulders to cry on with very trusted friends. I guess the hurt was less apparent because there were many people around for me. Then I was in this phase of an extra independent confidence. "I am woman, I need no man!". Which has always been true, although, this time around I was wearing that feeling on my sleeve. I went back to my old routine of phoning up old sex buddies and in addition experiencing a one night stand. After going through three usuals and one fun Halloween night, I got tired, bored and frustrated at the inconsistency of their availability. This time around, it was easier to blow off men when they haven't been responsive. This even applied to male friends who are too pussy to be themselves because they are afraid of getting into the unnecessary arguments that their girlfriends would put them through because they are hanging out with a single attractive female friend. Yes, I know that sounds cocky, but it's true. Not to say that I don't understand that they are threatened by me, but not even for a real particular reason. After trying to fight for a friendship with one of my male friends and his psycho bitch, I decided to not even bother because I have no time for that nonsense. After getting bored and tired from my lover's inconsistency, I decided to jump in head first in the dating game and see if I found myself a new potential. My original mission was to not make the moves anymore and try to get a guy to go out with me, but I was growing impatient. New hire, he is handsome and slightly my type. I don't even know him that well, so I was really going with my physical attraction to him. After throwing several hints about spending some "alone time" per say, he seemed completely oblivious to the whole come on. So I decided to give up on him because if he was even a slight bit attracted to me, he would have already caught on. Even though I see him now and then and I swoon at his such handsome looks, but that there was a dead end. I kept looking, hinting different potentials, but it just didn't work out. The last time I confessed my attraction to someone I was slightly under the influence. I knew he might of not taken me seriously anyway since I did forewarn him about my prior intoxication. Even though I did caution him, I didn't tell him that it took me a lot of balls to say what I had said to him and keep it as PG as possible. He appreciated my confession as a compliment and told me to go to bed. That was the last time that my confidence was shut down and again I decided to not even bother with any man anymore.
Of course, the heartbreak still hurts the same even after this long. After giving up on looking for any potential others, my mind went directly back to thinking about Stephen. I thought about all the good times, the bad times in which I just should have walked away or walked out on. I thought about the warm and the times we connected. The times in which we both felt like we were slipping away from each other. It wasn't a very long term relationship, but I learned so much from it. I learned to love myself the way I am, I loved him for all that he was, both flaws and his best qualities. I was felt like I was only growing with this man. No, it wasn't that way. He was looking for ways to get out when all I wanted was soar high. I never said I was the perfect person. I had my defects that I was working on, I was trying very hard. He had so many defects that he decided not to work on but I decided to accept because it just wasn't personally that life altering. This has been frustrating me for so long. Yet I still want to be by his side. Is this love? Or is this what is leaking through the cracks of my nostalgic stone heart. I don't want to see him ever again, as much as I miss him, want to touch him and kiss him. I think my heart would fill up with anger and sadness that I wouldn't be able to control myself from shaking and crying. There has been so many chances I could've gone and seen him at work, or in the train by coincidence. So many times that I could've called him or message him to tell him how much I love him, how much I want him back in my life, how happy I was when I was with one of my best friends, him. Now i'm here preventing myself from crying in public from all these feelings and emotions building up. I wish that even the thought of love wasn't this hard on me. I wish that the thought of him didn't cripple me into this sadness that makes me resort to hurting myself through smoking, sex and alcohol. Those three things mean nothing to me. The temporary bliss that used to help me eliminate time, memories and emotions just hasn't done it for me for this one. What does it mean? I don't have the get out of jail card with this situation. Every day it feels like i'm puling out threads of memories out of my skin with no end to be seen in sight.
I do want to be in a relationship, I really do. However, it just doesn't seem like I am meant to meet my soul mate on this plane. I don't even remember what falling in love feels like anymore. I see it, or better said, been seeing it happening a lot recently. People pair up, confess it to the world and happiness commences. I see them and try to remember what I had but then the feelings just don't connect. I am happy for them, none the less. I just don't understand what they're feeling anymore. Then I see couples fighting and don't understand why they should bother with such. I see people second questioning people who love them and it makes no sense. Why would someone give up on such a gift because of stupid, petty, arguments. It's so frustrating. It's so annoying to see people not appreciate the fact that they at least have someone to fucking talk to or think about at the end of the fucking day. All of this just kills my desire to be with someone. My heart has been broken so many damn times that I don't know how much more I can take.
