Morning Sunshine

                        It never fails.  I don't hear from a person for an extended period of time, especially after a few confessions of some form of affection and I go right back into that mentality I used to have when I was single for five years.  The experience may differentiate between people.  I look outside at the sun hitting the building and amplify its color and it's angle structure.  I am reminded of summer, but not only that, I am reminded about how there was no man out there who was thinking about me, loving me, missing me and how barren it felt like the clear blue sky.  Yes, a contradictive and odd comparison.  I start to relate myself to objects that have no life but are still there.  Seen every day from morning to night.  Rarely touched but recognized for their occasional use.  Then I remember how emotionless and apathetic I become towards the rest of the world when my own mind becomes just as barren.  

                        I go into the kitchen and i'm reminded why I hate being here.  "Doesn't matter if we're rich or poor, we are all going to die in the end.  Right, Daughter?"  Indeed I do know.  However, for a twenty-five year old, I don't need to be reminded how far away death really is for me and how conveniently close it is for my mother.  I do not fear death.  All I know how much pain it causes for the living.  I have only been to one funeral in my entire life and it was my best friend's grandmother who has personally been like a grandmother to me.  I saw the collective pain by people you've never seen so heartbroken before and that in itself is what breaks your own heart more than the death itself.  The only people who will really break my heart if they were dead are my immediate family and they are all still here even though they have moved on to their own lives.  I'm left behind with the mother who, very enthusiastically, can't wait till her last day arrives.    

                         I used to think of my own death constantly for a period of time.  Mostly because I was so lonely and it led me to believe that if no one wants me, if I don't benefit someone, not even myself, why should I continue to exist nonsensically?  And even after a failed attempt to seal my own fate's "fín", I realized that I am meant to be here for the rest of my life trying to figure out my place, worth, meaning in this world without any real direction or hint to what all the answers to those are.  I envy and am positively stimulated by those who has chosen their paths and are whole-heartedly galloping successfully right through it.  They were lucky to know what they want.  For me, my mind is always changing.  Never really wanting to do just one thing and dedicating to it because I know that I will soon get tired and just want to jump to the next option.  It is very odd, though, that I am not that way with my relationships.  I don't like jumping from one man to another.  I hate the idea of starting over again, building hopes and dreams and trying to follow through with them.  If I lead myself to have these expectations in a relationship, I know that I will expectedly be disappointed with the results that don't end up to be the way I hoped they'd be.  Of course, when I start to love somebody, the thoughts themselves can't help themselves but dance around my imagination.
                        
However, what would you do when you know that there may be a possible expiration date come three months from now and this isn't because of relationship problems or anything of that sort, but because of financial situations?  This is indeed a true test of love.  I wouldn't be going anywhere but he would.  Far away.  Will the love be that strong that it will inspire him to just stay in this town any possible way he can?  Or will he understandably go back home to pursue his life's strong desire without having any issues about money?  Only time will decide that.  I want to be one-hundred percent in this relationship because of how right it feels.  We both want artistic pursuits, want to move out to the west coast, have similar understanding and acceptance about our lifestyles which causes no conflict with how we live our own lives separately, we have the same sense of humor, we have so much passion about our freedoms.  His family is amazing, his relationship with his siblings are just as great, why wouldn't I want a man who has a great background?  His friends are another story, a few of them very welcoming, a couple of them suspecting, but it's not as if I don't know how to work around that.


                             I guess this is why, as I look out the window with no thought at all at the bare morning sunlit building wall, I feel just as empty as I was for five years when I hear from nobody at all.  Especially from the man who I am becoming very in love with.