Close Your Eyes and All Will Be Fine

My sister Alex and I.

                  I cannot stand how much pain is going through this family of mine.  My mother being constantly accused of being useless, ignorant, stupid and naive for the modern thinking of this country or New York, specifically.  My sister, Ruby, constantly needing to look for a fight with people because that's her outlet for the many rough things that's going through her own life.  My sister, Alexandra and her daughter, Nicole, not meeting eye to eye with anything at all resulting in constant fighting with the choice of weapons consisting of verbal and mental abuse.  And then, myself.  I cannot do anything because I already know that because I have been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, that I have no significant say or solution with the problems occurring within the family.

               I have been mentally, verbally and physically abused throughout my childhood.  When I bring it up to my sister, Ruby or my Mother, they become defensive and dismiss it as just a lie.  I have been slapped in the face and head by my sisters and mother.  Slapped, verbally and mentally abused, kicked in the ribs by my sister Ruby.  Of course, I must admit, that being kicked in the ribs was deserved in a way because I called her a bitch.  In my defense, I knew I couldn't hit her back and she wasn't listening to what I was saying to the point that the only way I knew would sting would be calling her such.  What triggered such word?  Telling me: "You are fat", "You are ugly", "You don't have any friends", "You're a pig", "you're a cow", "get off of your fat ass",  "Stupid", "Retard", "Idiot", "Dumb-Ass", "You're not worth anything".  Mind you, at the age that I remember being told this, I was probably 8 or 9 years old.  I possibly did deserve some slaps in the face because I did talk back, acted like a brat and such, but, hey....what the fuck do you think a child of that fucking age does? Yeah, it's true.  I didn't have many friends. I only had a couple.  I kept myself away from everyone because of the fact that there was so much going on at home and I just didn't want to talk about it because I knew the harsh nature of little girls and a classroom group that was notorious for being the worst teasers of even the most minute thing such as being of Indian descent (from India, that is).  I didn't want to involve myself with horrible people, so I kept to myself and I didn't care whatsoever that I was by myself.  I was a very detached child.

                I do remember the point in which a slap in the face did not make my cry anymore.  My mother gave me the last slap in the face and I just looked at her straight in the eye, no tear, no defensive move, just stood still like a statue with a response of  "No me toces!" ("Do not touch me!").  She realized that form of discipline was ineffective and insignificant and left her completely powerless.  After that, we only fought each other verbally.  There was no more mental abuse, no more verbal abuse.  I knew exactly what would hurt her.  However, because I did love my mother and hate to see her cry, I didn't pull out that card unless I was really pushed to the edge.  We actually grew closer and closer as the years went by and I started being away from home more and more.  She understood I was a child born of this modern world and that I haven't done anything to be mistrusted.  As for my sisters; Alex married and had children at a young age.  Therefore, she was a child having a child. Had three kids, an unsupportive husband and a dead end life.  She, of course, did not take it out on me. We actually became closer because we realized how similar we were with the modern ways of thinking. She did, unfortunately, take it out on my niece, Nicole.  Which in turn, Nicole became unruly, disrespectful, misunderstood, a consistent liar, loud mouthed, and intolerant.  It angers me when she acts this way.  However, I understood that her actions were due to the fact that her parents divorced when she was 9 years old and she was very heartbroken that her beloved father, who always took her side, moved out to Miami and she that she could never see him as much as she used to. Kelly and David both knew their father, however, they were too young to remember the events or recollect how close they were to him. Ruby, on the other hand, always was a moody person.  Very angry for reasons I did not know, but the way she felt empowered and unstressed was if she picked a fight with the most vulnerable person she could find; Me. Even though we are now both adults and she is 11 years my senior, she still takes out her anger on me.  I understand why she does it, but I also know that I completely DON'T deserve it. I just stay away as much as possible.  She has a beautiful son that I dearly love.  However, he is starting to act up, like any child would and hopefully nobody follows the same traditions of discipline with him. Our family grew with the Latino tradition of slapping a child or hitting them with an object as a form of corrective action.  I am not saying it's the right thing to do.  It is, indeed a cultural thing.  Joked amongst many Latino comedians.  PERFECTLY described by George Lopez in his stand up special, "Why You Crying".  I guess that's their way of teaching us to be tough with the harsh realities of life and not cry about everything.  Like I said, this is, of course, not the right way about going with this sort of subject.  I am first generation Ecuadorian American and I will not bring these outdated traditions onto the next.

                             

               My father was right to leave this family, even if he isn't a saint himself.  He was always able to talk things through without needing the use of physical corrective action. I only remember three instances where he slapped me in the face and that's because I was losing my temper and he had lost his patience.  My father is a great person. As a father.  As a husband, he did cheat on my mother many instances for many years thinking that she would not find out or put two and two together.  She had the right as a wife to ask him what's going on.  My sisters knew this as well, but for some reason they had forgotten how he, too, called my mother stupid and ignorant and many other awful things when they were both fighting.  I did not hear any of this, but my mother always told me about my father saying such and being unfaithful.  I knew that my father was not a good husband.  He was a great father who never abandoned his family, continued to be supportive of his ex-wife and their children for many years after their divorce when I was just a child myself.  This is why I understand Nicole to a certain extent.  My  half-sister, Nataly, mostly grew up with my father.  She was living with my mother and sisters for a very long portion of her life until she realized that the mental and verbal abuse was way too much for her and she decided to leave and not speak to my mother for possibly until four years ago when I was admitted in the Mental Ward at Bellevue Hospital.  That's when my family all came together for me.  It seems as if they have forgotten what it is to be a supportive family, though.  Nataly never abused me. She was the best, most loving, nurturing sister out of all.  She was always the positive reenforcement in my life.  She always had positive things to say to me, always involved me in so many positive activities.  I love her so much. She is gentle, soft speaking, beautiful in EVERY sense.  When she moved out, it was as much as a heartbreak as when my father moved out.  She was always around for me, though.  Never abandoned me during the worst events of my life.



                With the current events that are going on in my family, I feel like I will be sucked into them and will suffer the feud that I know I cannot do anything about.  I am so desperate to leave this house and try to just escape it.  The only people I know who would need me are my father and mother once they are very old and incapable of living their lives as they use to.  As for my nieces and nephews, I love them so much because they are my sister's children, therefore, it's as if they are my own children as well.  I need to escape, though.  I need to find my career very soon.  I have to get the hell out so I won't be sucked into this.